Everyone wants a "better life". We all want to be safe, comfortable, anxiety free, and pain free. We want to be happy, right? What does that mean? I used to think that meant to "fulfill my potential as a child of God", that if I was doing those things that others told me would make me happy, I would find that place. I did not find it in the Mormon church (but this is not to say that I am not grateful for the religious education and wonderful friendships made therein); I did not find it in a fancy dinner with a glass of Chateau Latour or the 18 minute Roys Chocolate souffle with two scoops of ice-cream. I did not find it in an overly generous husband (although his friendship is the most dear of my life). I did not find it when I allowed myself to be the lighthouse for what I believed to be a very sad and broken man. I did not find it when I was "faking it to make it", nor when I told everyone that I didn't care what they thought. I did not find it in the counselor's chair; I did not find it when I gave my mother another undeserved chance to be in my life. I did not find it when I was telling other people what to do so they could find it. I did not find it in books (although many of them helped me to grow and learn) and I did not find it in keeping the commandments as I was told I would (although I am sure I have fewer regrets because of those efforts). I am not sure that I would have known what happiness was when or if I ever found it because I didn't know what it really looked like/felt like. And doesn't it mean different things to different people? What about love? I am good at loving plutonically. When it comes to romantic love though, that elludes me. I don't know if I really know how to love someone romantically with courage and unconditional compassion and positive regard. Historically, I have lost myself in the caretaking of others. Mostly, I have chosen poorly so I have decided, for now, I am not going to allow myself any romantic attachments until further notice. I have learned that happiness isn't found in another person either.
I just finished reading Sidney Pointier's autobiography. In this book he asks: "What does it mean to you to have a better life, not your neighbor, or your business partner's definition, but yours? I have been thinking about his question for many days now. I think I am ready to define it for myself. You, poor reader, are an innocent bystander to my ramblings. Please forgive all of this candor. . .This is today's contribution to the process of growth and learning that I find myself in. Not the sum total of my values or the end of my ramblings. So here is my list of what I think a better life would include for me:
1. Reach my education potential: For me, this means a PsyD in Pschology.
2. Excel in a profession that helps people.
3. Make my heart judgment free.
4. Have healthy boundaries.
5. Live honestly and speak the truth with love.
6. Give a child the love, life and coping skills, and values I was not given.
7. Have the courage to defend MY values.
8. Have enough discomfort so I won't become complacent.
9. Keep my hope in humanity alive so I never give up on others.
10. Freedom from debt, except a mortgage.
11. Acheive MY idea of physical fitness.
12. Never allow fear of personal failure to daunt me.
13. Never allow success to seduce me into inaction.
14. Continually challenge myself to grow.
15. To acheive self-actualization (as Maslow describes it) before I die.
I started this entry thinking that perhaps I would be able to think of 10 elements to describe, but find I want more for myself than I originally thought.