Shall I come back??

This was me July 2012

Catching up with Shawn is currently under construction.  The new blog will be include my own reflections, observations, and deconstructions resulting from my experience in grad school.  I have taken 12 classes so far and each time I finish a class, I have a slightly different worldview and my sense of self has been altered in some way.  My changes, therefore, are occurring so quickly I barely have time to capture them properly.  I have kept written journals containing some reflections, new awarenesses, and observations over the last two years. Commencing now then are some new reflections surrounding counseling education revelations.

It feels good to be back into my blog.  I need this right now. [*g]

Losing My Religion. . .

I think it is time to admit, folks, that I do not know if there is a God. No. Evidence that support the notion of a God is not compelling. Not really. I am a deeply feeling person so I try to find the reason behind the feelings in my life where I felt blessed and watched over. I used spirituality and religion like a crutch, reducing my anxiety, creating a space in my mind where the chaos makes sense and worth enduring. But I have never had a spiritual experience that could not be explained by nature, my one wishful thinking, or coincidence.

Religion and the religious have caused just as much sorrow in this world as it has caused joy, perhaps even more. The truth, if I dare to say it, to accept it, to face it, is that I don't know, neither do you, or anyone else, and that is okay. I don't need to know, and I don't need a story, or 100 stories, to prop me up anymore. I have challenged this worldview of mine.

What I know, and what I value, is goodness. From today forward, I will seek goodness, in all of its forms, and I will respect the courage it takes in displaying goodness. We live in a pluralistic society, not a Christian one. And I embrace the goodness found in every belief, without a need to internalize the label's that go along with it. All of us know the difference between goodness and evil intentions, love and selfishness. We are divine! We don't need a book or a preacher to tell us that we should love each other, our own divine souls tell us this everyday.

Fall 2010

This fall I will be attending UCD. Financial aid awards have been accepted and the recommended classes: Counseling Theories I, Career Counseling, and Multi-culturism in Counseling I, will begin on August 23. Can't wait to show my teeth! 

I look back on my long and winding path that led me to this place with gratitude and awe! In myself, my God, and my friends and family that never never never gave up on me and always showed me support, unconditional love and where the stone was lying so I could remove it from my path. Thank you all. I wouldn't be here following my dream without you.

Graduation Part 3

This poor dude spent the entire day with me.  Divine providence or just that our last names began with a "J". We are now facebook friends and keep in touch. Very funny dude. Had me laughing when I wasn't too busy crying.
This was entire graduating class. I love that it was so small. 
Sloaner, me, Peter, and Sloan's fiance', Lynn. Moments after I graduated and walked off stage. I was feeling so overwhelmed!
Dinner at the now defunct "Pampels" on graduation evening with Chelsea, Christian, Peter, Lynn and Sloan. Karl had to work.  Peter thought the wine list was shit, and he was right so he walked over to Grape Juice and brought back two bottles for all of us to share, after we had the 1989 Chateau La Tour that he was saving for graduation. Great night!
Well, I like to start partying right away so this was pre-grad night, with Lindsey, Fred, Christian, Carolyn, Chris and Peter. The best dinner with the closest proximity to Kerrville, August Es. 

Don't want to overdose on oxytocin. . . so I said goodbye to dudes - for now.

For the next year, I will be so busy getting myself situated at my new school, law firm, the Davis family (my sister), and creating new and cultivating my old friendships that I won't have time to get involved romantically. Besides, I've converted to the idea of "friends first", and adopting that approach to dating. And doesn't it take a while to cultivate a real friendship? So I say adieu to men for the next 12 months at least. Whew! One less thing to obsess and worry about. 

A new travel plan. . .

Kami, David and I are planning a trip to Scotland, Ireland, and England for next summer (2011). I can't wait! I have been bitten by the wanderlust bug - again. It's been tooo long for me since I've been across the pond since I've given up the cushy life while going back to school. And after a year of studying and working full-time, I'm going to need the break! Now that is what I call motivation.

Graduation Day Part 2

Me walking with purpose. I know where I'm going now. I'm on my way.

Group photo that Caroline's friend took. 

May 8, 2010 - Graduation Day Part 1 of 3

Ben and me before the ceremony. Could anyone look happier than him?
Me and Fred before the ceremony.

Me and Sloan before the ceremony.

Meeting Joseph Stiglitz

Finally received the picture of me and Professor Ferguson when we went to St. Mary's University to hear the economist, writer and Columbia Professor Joseph Stiglitz speak and meet him. He wrote "Making Globalization Work" and "Freefall" and I think I saw him on Fareed Zakaria recently. What an interesting human being he is, especially for an economist. 

Darrell

I met a really hot, and way too young for me, black guy (Daddy would be so appalled!!) about two years ago here in Kerrville. I started hanging out and making out with him a lot this last semester. For several months we tried to figure out where each other stood on matters of friendship and what exactly that meant until finally I figured it out, and so as it happens, we are not on the same page. And while I still think he is a good dude, my friendship bar is too high for his tastes. So we agreed to disagree and say goodbye. . . .So what was the lesson: Even if I really respect and like a person, it doesn't mean he/she is destined to be my friend. I am sure that mixing up the hanging out and making out just confused matters even more. I think men and women can be platonic friends but once the lines are blurred, it becomes nearly impossible. As much as I try to prove that I'm capable of it, I'm really not able to have both. John Mayer is right: "Lovers, friends or nothing, we can really only be one. . ."

"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw.

My Meditation Process

For me, mediation that begins with yoga, which is called yatan, has proven to be the most effective. The most important part of both yoga and meditation is controlled and rhythmic breathing. That is one reason why yoga and meditation are used together for stress/anxiety relief. The other reason they work together is because meditation is not intrinsically natural for us in western societies. We haven’t been taught to get still, quiet the mind, and just “be” for long periods of time. Deep deliberate breathing prepares us for this and so does a slow, less vigorous, yoga practice. The physicality of flowing yoga postures facilitate positive energy flow.  This physical rebalancing transmits health into the nervous system, thus promoting a greater capacity to meditate.  If the body is stiff with stress and the mind is jumbled with stress, meditating will be a challenge.  Yoga purges the internal and external stiffness (which is blocked energy) and opens the mind and body more fully to the present. For some people, meditation comes easily. For me it does not.  I am tempted to get up and do something. I have a hard time quieting the mind from all of my worries.  If I do yoga first, I have prepared both the body and mind. During yoga I am focusing my breath to support the movements, and so when meditation begins, I am already focusing on my breath.

Very broadly speaking, the following is the flow of yoga that is done to prepare the body for meditation: 1) a mental centering at the beginning to calm the nervous system and to collect one's attention inwards - also a time to establish holistic intentions for the overall practice. 2) warming breathing exercises and/or breath work combined with warming yoga poses (ie sun salutations). 3) continuation of yoga poses that gradually move into a final cooling stage with grounding postures like balancing poses or lying postures. 4) cooling breath exercises to prepare the body for relaxation. 5) relaxation or savasana or yoga nidra.

6) meditation practice.

In order to put this in practice, one must know how to use three kinds of breathing (sushumna). When feeling anxiety or high levels of stress, Sodhana is employed (Sandy Jolley).  This is done by alternate nostril breathing. With your right hand you pinch your nose with thumb and ring finger leaving your index and middle fingers to lightly touch the area between the eyes. Close your eyes, cover one nostril and breath in deeply through nose, cover the other nostril and breath out, repeat. This will relieve anxiety within seconds. Once you are sufficiently calm, change the breathing to Ujjayi Pranayama, appropriate for the yoga practice, and is focused and will bring a concentration of power.  To do this you make the sound of the ocean as you breath in and out through nose; your exhale is a controlled pushing from throat and this makes the sound of the ocean.  It takes some practice. This form of breathing is done during yoga and slowed down during meditation. We’ll discuss breathing appropriate for meditation in later paragraphs.

When I am experiencing anxiety over a difficult dilemma or anxiety over living out a decision I’ve made, I tell myself, “It’s time to get “Zen” with it.” The practice I use to prepare the body for meditation is a form of what the West calls 'hatha yoga', but it is actually a combination of hatha yoga, pranayama, and meditation. I use this because it is a slow, flowing, natural movement, supported by breath and ends with meditation; the combination is “yatan”. Here is an example of my yatan practice:

Sit cross legged on a yoga mat. Take several Ujjayi Pranayama breaths. On the inhale, turn chest to the right, put left hand on right knee and right hand behind you to twist, hold pose, exhale. Do this again on opposite side. Inhale, fold upper body forward, hold pose and exhale. Change position: Turn onto hands and knees, inhale, do cat pose (lift tail, curve back, look up), hold pose and exhale. Inhale, round out back, and look between legs, hold pose and exhale. Repeat. Inhale, Return to cat pose, exhale. Inhale while getting into plank pose (beginning of a push up), hold pose and exhale. Inhale, lower body to be fully on ground with forehead on the floor, rest there and exhale.  Inhale, place palms under shoulders and lift only top half of body off the floor in an ark, exhale, hold pose for two full breath. Change positions, inhale, lie on back with legs open, knees bent and bottoms of feet touching, place hands in form of triangle on belly, exhale. Take two full breaths, feel the belly rise and fall under your hands. As you inhale, pull knees to chest, squeeze, exhale and allow legs to return to comfortable lying on back pose (corpse pose), and begin meditation practice. (Or sit with pillow underneath in cross legged position). Change breathing. . .

For meditation practice, I use several elements, meditation focused breathing, a material item for my visualization, stones, chakra focused relaxation, aromatherapy, and a mantra all focused on my goal of stress relief and peace.

I am aware that much of the above may have power to influence me simply because of the placebo affect. This does not bother me because I know that meditation is an act of emotion-focused coping which uses mind, intention, and imagination. The more focused my mind and intention is in my practice, the more affect it has on me. 

Some believe that certain stones bring certain states of mind. For instance, malachite takes stress from the body; larimar brings peace; moonstone relieves anxiety and brings a gentleness with self. I recommend getting these stones and making a necklace with a soft felt-like fabric. Wear it as a loose choker. You want to be able to feel the weight and presence but not be bothered by it during meditation.  

Aromas affect mood and states of mind also. I prefer a lightly scented candle nearby. Lavender is said to calm and relax, and to soothe headaches and migraines. Bergamot is also soothing and relieves stress; basil is said to relieve depression symptoms.

During meditation, you pay close attention to how the different parts of the body are feeling. Knowing the different Chakra centers is important: The seven Chakra centers are: base of spine, genital, naval, heart, throat, brow and top of head. Each Chakra is associated with spiritual aspects of awareness. For instance, when I am angry, or feel a deep sense of hurt or betrayal, I feel it in my throat. If this is the reason for my stress, then I focus on it in meditation and focus my will to relieve that feeling. The function of the throat in terms of spirituality is healing.

The importance of a mantra, which is chanting or meaningless sounds controls breath and provides a cadence, which creates alpha waves that are beneficial to clarity of mind.  So far I haven’t found one that works for me.  I think it is because with all of the other elements, it is stimulation overload. The ocean-like sound I make while breathing during yoga and meditation provides all the noise I require.

I formulated my own meditation practice (after first doing yoga, of course).  I designed this one for reducing anxiety and getting centered before making a big decision. I also pray, and prayer is also a form of meditation. The following meditation is also most suitable for attempting to deal with emotional disturbance since anxiety and stress is what we feel when we have difficulty coping emotionally.

Sit in cross legged pose with pillow under tailbone or in corpse pose. Place a key in your palm and allow it to rest there, notice its presence. Breath for meditation is made up of three parts. First, breath in and out through nose, fill belly and empty belly, feel it rise and fall. Next, fill belly and rib cage, take a few full breaths, then fill belly, rib cage and area around heart/collarbone, eventually it will be a smooth inhale and exhale that fills all three. Once this breathing is smooth, you are in meditative breath.

The spine must be straight so energy flow is free and continuous. If you need to sit against a wall to keep posture, do so. Continue meditation focused breathing six to 10 breaths. Breathe in the scent chosen for the meditation, feel the stone against your collarbone or super-sternum notch and recall what your goal is. Be come aware of any discomfort in the body and hold and keep it in consciousness (EMDR Therapy Technique). Make sure your breathing is slow and continuous during the entire practice.

Notice the toes, wiggle them, flex them, relax them during the exhale, notice the legs, flex them, hold tension 6 seconds, relax during the exhale.  Notice the buttocks, flex, hold ten seconds, relax. Notice and feel abdomen, take a few breaths, feel the rise and fall, notice arms and hands imagine they feel very heavy. Allow them to relax. Notice chest and shoulders, lift chest on inhale, let chest fall to natural position on exhale, roll shoulders back and relax. Notice neck and head, swallow, relax muscles on exhale, remembering the throat is where I hold anxiety. Imagine body is sinking slightly into mat. Continue breathing.

Imagine placing my problems inside a safe, lock it and feel the key in your hand. You will deal with them later. You won’t forget about them. You can deal with them whenever it is time. Imagine your favorite place, imagine the smell of the place, and any other sensory stimulation that will help you remain in that place in your mind. Imagine a cloud dispersing and revealing your favorite place. Allow the mind to become clear, feel the absence of worry. When your worries come up in your mind, notice and feel the key in your hand and remind yourself that they are safe and will be dealt with when it is time. Let the worry come and go. Return to breathing. The more often I do this meditation, the faster I get still when I do it. Continue breathing. Stay there for several breaths. Continue to notice worries come and go without affecting you. This is the time to insert any affirmation that is most meaningful. I have a list I use. For example: “What I fear I will create; what I love I will create.”  The longer you experience the stillness, quieting of the mind, absence of thought, worry, fear, and the relaxing of the mind and soul, the more beneficial. The more often you can get to this place the easier it is next time, and when you need it the most, the skill is available as needed.

To bring yourself out of the meditation, wiggle your fingers and toes, rub your hands together, place your hands on your face as if you were washing your face (Namaste), and touch the stone if you are wearing one. I do a child’s pose, then lift to standing forward fold, and then end in tree pose (standing fully upright). I feel refreshed. Blow out the candle with one strong, confident breath. I can handle making my decision, accepting the consequences thereof, and any other stressor.  I’m Zen with it. 

Check this out. . .

Kim Jolley Davis, my big sister, just emailed me this picture. It was shortly after my father and mother got married with Trish, Kim and one of the twins (I can't tell which one) were in the back. 

"I'm an atheist in the morning before my first cup of coffee". - Chelsea Anderson

Good Hell!!!!

Remember that 7 lbs I lost during the first two weeks of school because I was sick? Well,  I found them. 

There is only one right way to make coffee. A french press. Full stop.

San Antonio with Kristalle and Nick

Kristalle Herda invited me to spend the day and evening with her and Nick in San Antonio last weekend.  We had so much fun!!! We took the boat ride in the river a the riverwalk in downtown San Antonio, saw the Alamo, had lunch at Chart House in a structure much like the Stratosphere in Vegas. The we had Bohanan's for dinner which is in the top 3 steakhouses in Texas. So yummy. Nick and I shared a steak that was better than kobi, not even kidding. I had a mouth-gasm. Here are some pictures of the weekend. Check out the rocks on Kristalle's hand - yep my dollbaby is getting married!  Exciting. I wanna pick out dresses, but she told me to slow the F$#@! down - there will be a long engagement - at least a year. They want to finish school first. She's so pragmatic. 

August E's

Lindsey Hollin and Matt Fawkes, transplanted Kerrvillians, wisked me off to August E's in Fredericksburg (30 minutes away). We had so much fun, and so much wine (Justin's Isosceles-unfiltered) and so much dessert. These guys know how to dine! They'd give Peter a run for his money, to be sure.  Matt ordered every desert they offer for the table: cheesecake, espresso creme brulee, creme brulee, flourless chocolate cake, and lavender ice-cream. I had escolar, caprese, and asperagus for dinner. Oh my! Escolar is amazing!!!!!! If you like fish and never tried it - try it!!!! Anyway - Lindsey & Matt rock. Matt is so smart and calm and Lindsey has a huge personality and super funny - and it was so nice of them to treat me because I was accepted to grad school - so everyone who loves me and is happy for my getting in and would love to take me to a congratulatory dinner, send your love through the universe to Matt and Lindsey. Cuz they rock!

I wish. . .I hope. . . I long.

How is it. . .

that a starving student like me has roast duck with champagne apricot sauce, beet and potato napoleon, and asparagus for dinner? Charity.

What I'm working on. . .

Unconditional love. Forgiveness. Increasing self trust.Toning body, mind, and soul. (Sigh. .  . I'm exhausted just thinking about it.)

I was accepted into the University of Colorado, at Denver

Masters Degree Program in Counseling Psychology, Children, Marriage and Family Track.  This program was my first choice because of its emphasis on multi-cultural awareness and training. This program is also situated in a beautiful city that I have always wanted to spend some time in - not to mention the fact that I will be close to a beloved friend, Kami, that I miss like crazy. I am so excited to move there. I'm trunky!  Some of you may remember that phrase meaning "ready to go home" from the mission? I can't even begin to explain my emotional state upon reading my acceptance email. I was nervous, elated, relieved, scared, grateful, anxious, joyful -  and I laughed and cried for nearly 1/2 hour. Consider with me for a moment. . .  someone like me, both parents addicted, zero supervision in my childhood, zero self-esteem in adolescence, but lucky enough to have a generous extended family, and smart enough to glean some coping skills from them and others - and having achieved such a goal and so close to fulfilling my dream. I mean, the math doesn't bear that out. I have been watched over!! I know I could not have gotten to this point without the support of family and friends -- and family that are friends and friends that are family - so grateful.

If you shorten your shower by 1-2 minutes, you can save up to 150 gallons of water in one month.

My responsive essay sent to UCD with my application.

Supplemental Essay on Equal Rights

I identify myself culturally with other Christian thirty-something, white American females. I value hard work and honesty. One could argue these are American values. I value goodness, integrity, and leaving the world better than I found it, perhaps this value is a product of my 15 years of religious education, or perhaps a product my personal experiences. I have always assumed that my values resulted from a synthesis of culture, family influences, and what my conscience tells me as I make choices and take actions.

It is natural for me to feel connected with other human beings, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, or class, provided the person demonstrates a quality of character. I have several friends from many different cultures, countries, races, ethnicities, and sexual orientations. These friends offer my life a diversity of views and opinions. Since I don’t require that others see things my way, we are free to discuss a wide range of issues and subjects with respect and admiration.

My long time friend is half-black, half-white and a homosexual. In high school, while we were driving in my car, four white men in a pick-up truck screamed terrible obscenities in our direction for several minutes.  When we stopped at a light, these men jumped from their truck and pounded on my windows with baseball bats and tire irons, smashing one of the windows before the light turned green and I could drive away. I don’t recall ever being so afraid, yet I know for him, it was much more terrifying. Ever since that day, I have a slightly better understanding of some of the hardships minorities and homosexuals experience. I don’t flatter myself by believing that I could ever truly comprehend the prejudice and cruelty experienced by people that don’t have the rights and privileges that I have.

For the next five months I will reside in a small Texas town, where prejudice remains omnipresent. It is disheartening. Admittedly, progress has been made. The CFO of Schreiner University in Kerrville, Texas is black. This same man was among the first to integrate into Kerrville High School in 1964. This blatant prejudice is very difficult for me to imagine, yet less than one hundred years ago, in some parts of the country, white people went to church on Sunday morning, and strung up a black person in the afternoon for talking to a white girl or some other infraction, never seeing the sardonic connection between Christ on the cross and a man hanging from a tree.

Notwithstanding the anti-segregation laws passed in the 1960’s, the practice continued until approximately 1979. Some may argue that segregation still continues in our day. The Equal Rights Amendment was not passed until 1982. The first mixed race black man was elected President of the United States in 2009. I contributed to his campaign with money, ardent support and time. In my view, the struggle toward racial equality has been embarrassingly sluggish in this Country, and I don’t feel we have arrived yet. When we can discuss a person in terms of character and qualities other than race and color; when racial differences are no longer relevant, and racial profiling is no longer in the news, then we can proclaim that we have arrived at racial equality. Further, we can say we have arrived when women and minorities are represented adequately in the legislature and in other leadership roles. We can say we have arrived when birth control is covered by insurance, same as Viagra. We can say we have arrived when all school aged students are offered the same quality of education. 

Personally, I have never considered myself entitled more than any other person based on race, gender, or class. I believe that I should have as much chance as any other person based on my own merit, for that job, promotion, or scholarship. However, I am certain that I have been privileged in my life because of my race, perhaps being chosen for a job over a person from another race. How often this occurred, I will never know.

I am also aware that as an attractive woman, I am afforded some privileges.  On more than one occasion I was issued a warning for a minor traffic infraction, instead of a ticket. Conversely, I have no doubt that I have been offered jobs in the past based too much upon my appearance.

I would feel privileged to work in a capacity that advocates for minorities to create a more equal society, or educates others about racial inequality, and gender inequality. I am committed to equal rights as is evidenced by an essay I posted two months ago to my blog concerning marriage equality. The essay can be accessed at catchingupwithshawn.blogspot.com.

If we are to evolve as a people, the inclusion of all citizens, not a division between those that are entitled and those that are not, must prevail and as such, total and explicit equality must be the next step in our evolution as Americans and as human beings. 

I've already left Kerrville in my mind.

This place is depressing. There is precious little to do but go to bars, and I loath bars, so I stay home in my pajamas and hang out with Stephen Colbert. Truthfully, it is more fun than going out in this town. I am not made for small 20k pop towns. The society is so confining.  There is an extremely small middle class here. All of them either work in the health profession or at Schreiner University. There is a huge population of abject poor that don't seem to have scruples, all of them users, manipulators, and liars, and don't even know they could have a better life.  

There are teenage girls here whose mothers encourage them to prey on young college guys, get them drunk, get knocked up for the child support or welfare check.  That, seriously, is their goal from the beginning.  The "child haven" type facilities here are full of children whose moms are on drugs, fathers are absent and their siblings are all products of one-night stands.  In most cases, these moms are still collecting child support and welfare checks for several months until the government learns the whereabouts of the children. It is shocking. It is disheartening. I have seen the underbelly of American society. I am changed by it. And not in a good way. 

 Apart from five very dear people, and a wonderful University, this town has afforded me no pleasure nor comfort. I am ready to leave Kerrville, Texas forever.

A Broken Heart

There is so much pain, suffering, and cruelty in the world that it breaks my heart. . . but there is goodness, in equal proportion, if I look for it, and that gives me the hope my heart needs to heal itself again. 

Last Semester at SU lineup. . .

Adulthood and Aging

Research Methods II

Abnormal Psychology

Psychology Capstone

Environmental Science/Policy

I think I can probably get straight As this time. Wish me luck.

The most important thing I do all year. . .

I sent of my first of two graduate school applications today. Thanks to all of you who offered support, confidence and help. Glo, Carolyn, Prof. B, Prof. G. Mel, Kim in the registrar's office, Jay, Jeannine , Drew, Jenn, Fred, Christian, JW, and PJB (sigh) that means you! Thank you   thank you  thank you. I have such great friends!!!!!!!!

GRE Results

570  Verbal

440  Quantitative

The mean is 500.  As it turns out, the combined 1010 score is high enough for UCD!  But the 440 quantitative score is a bit low for UNLV's preferences.  There are other factors that go into making the decision concerning grad student candidates, such as: resume, personal statement, grades, and letters of recommendation, so don't count me out, just yet. 

The GRE exam

The GRE exam is utilized by graduate schools as a method of weeding out applicants. I've been studying for the GRE exam 6+ hours every day for the last 12 days.  I thought I would feel more prepared, but I could study for two more months probably. So much to remember. The test is on Friday. That day I will learn if my score meets the requirements of the two schools I am applying to on January 15th, UCD and UNLV Marriage and Family Therapy Masters in Counseling Psychology Programs. Please pray to whatever God you revere on my behalf if you are behooved to. And if you revere none, please send out your hopes for my success into the universe. Thank you - lovely people. 

-Barack Obama

"Focusing your life solely making a buck shows a poverty of ambition. It asks too little of yourself. And it will leave you unfulfilled." 

Last Night's "another semester down" celebratory dinner at Bella Vita

Christian and I were talking about all the drugs, specifically adderal that I hear that kids are taking in College to enhance their learning. Apparently it is supposed to enhance concentration while studying. So, Christian offered: "I bet if you took it, it would either work really well or not at all." Really, I said, how do you mean? He said: "You are an all or nothing type of chick." Guess he's got me pegged. He also added: "I imagine that you would find stimulants very stimulating."  Cracked me up! Maybe I should at least add a little caffeine. I do look a little tired here. 

Fall Grades

Personal Adjustment - B

Research Methods (Statistics) - B

Spanish II - C

Global Issues in the Cultural Context - A

Advanced Composition - A

American Government - A

GPA: 3.35

Anatole France

"All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy, for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves.  We must die to one life before we can enter another."

ACORN

ACORN, the Association of Community Organizations for Reform Now, has been in the news often nowadays for corrupt business practices. Folks, I just really feel sorry for the acorn.  I mean, if ya like to get deep, it is a really cool metaphor! Did you know that an acorn is a very hardy and resilient seed? Psycho-therapists that prefer humanistic/insight therapy to Freud's psychoanalysis view say this: "if provided with appropriate conditions, it will grow naturally toward its actualized oak". Isn't it optimistic? I love it. Now the acorn is symbol of hope for me. I really hope I get an "A" on this psych paper.

Hmmmmmm. . .

Sigmund Freud once said: "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."

Finally. . .

Can I complain for a minute? For this entire semester I have had a class at 8am Monday through Thursday.  I never want to take another 8am class again.  My brain doesn't wake up that early, caffeine notwithstanding. No mas clases a las ocho!  I just took my Spanish final. All my classes next semester start at 9.  Thank goodness. This has been rough. 

French Philosopher Voltaire

"There are some that only employ words for the purpose of disguising their thoughts."

-Mahatma Ghandi

"An error does not become truth by reason of multiplied propagation, nor does truth become error because nobody sees it."

"We must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression, and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."

                          -- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Think globally. . .

Did you know?  . . . American teenagers rank 21st out of 25 countries in math and science. Illiteracy and innumeracy are a greater threat to humanity than terrorism. There are one billion people without clean water on this planet.  

We are increasingly interconnected, interdependent and interacting with peoples of many other cultures. I join with Stiglitz and others, when I propose that we adopt a more global approach to solving the country's and the world's problems. We must value relationships more than transactions. We must synthesize the big picture rather than analyzing a single component of a problem. We must learn to synthesize massive amounts of information. We must learn to be self-directed in our learning. Many other countries are better at this than we are.  We musn't be afraid to do something we don't yet know how to do. We are no longer the lone beacon on a hill. We can't thrive by ourselves any longer. We must embrace a global way of thinking.

A big spiritual payoff today. . .

My brother told me today: "You know how men measure their girlfriends up against their mom's and they try to find women that have qualities that their mom's have?  Well, I don't. I measure them to my sister. I try to find women that have qualities that you have."

Frustration with the Media. . .

I really wish the major news networks would stop playing only a few seconds of President Obama's speeches and then hold a panel of 4 to comment on Obama's words for several minutes.  Why can't they just allow us to hear all of his remarks?  That is why I'm so glad Obama continues to post his weekly webcam address.  

Chinese Proverb

"If the water is too clear, there is nothing for the fish to eat". -Quoted by Fareed Zakaria when discussing corruption in China on November 8, 2009.  He wrote The Post-American World. You can see Fareed Zakaria GPS on Sunday afternoons on CNN.  I just think he is super knowledgeable about foreign affairs, crazy-brilliant and frankly beautiful.

Libertarianism - a look at a different political ideology. . .

The Libertarian Party was originally called the Libertarian Socialists. The party coined itself the Libertarian Party in the mid-19th century. “The Libertarian Party is America's third largest political party, founded in 1971 as an alternative to the two main political parties.  Our vision is for a world in which all individuals can freely exercise the natural right of sole dominion over their own lives, liberty and property by building a political party that elects Libertarians to public office, and moving public policy in a libertarian direction”. (Official Libertarian Website[1], Platform) Sounds great so far, doesn’t it? Who doesn’t want liberty?  In spite of this very attractive language, the mission statement tells us almost nothing about what Libertarians stand for. So, let’s take a closer look at the party’s platform.

The Libertarian Party Platform was adopted in May of 2008. Commentaries and discussions can be found on Reason TV. Ron Paul and Bob Barr were the candidates that represented the party in 2008, and William Redpath is the chairman of the party. There are twenty-five issues briefly covered in the document. In the interest of brevity, three issues from the Libertarian perspective will be considered.

Foreign Policy. In a word: non-intervention. Certainly, this is an unambiguous and uncomplicated approach, even elegant in its simplicity.  I can see why this policy would be attractive to many Americans. In a poll taken by Libertarians, the following statement got 69% of the votes that the poll generated: ”I believe we should follow a Libertarian non-interventionist foreign policy, and start withdrawing troops from Afghanistan”.  Libertarian foreign policy is very clear: we just shouldn’t be over there.

Libertarians agree that the solution to our economic problems is in “free trade as prescribed by America’s founders”. (Official Libertarian Website, Issues). Some Libertarians believe in anti-globalization.  However, Friedman, Stiglitz, and other economists agree that such an approach would greatly hinder the United States’ ability to compete in the world market economy given that in 2009, our economic security is intertwined with other countries.   Taxes. The official website actually stated that all other politicians just want more of your money and are busy increasing the size of government unnecessarily. (Official Libertarian Website, Issues). Further, Libertarians’ position is that the only role the government should have is protecting life, rights and property, and if it limited itself to that, America would prosper and thrive and that government regulation of any kind isn’t necessary to preserve individual rights.

Libertarians’ are disillusioned with the government mainly because the government is subsidizing many expensive unnecessary initiatives like foreign aid, bailing out banks, public art museums, education, railroads, and others. Libertarians don’t want to pay taxes for these purposes.  While most Americans tend to acknowledge that the government does squander money, depending on what the particular American values or does not value and I must agree that some of the government’s spending is wasteful, but certainly not all of it.  I disagree that every service the government provides other than those that protect constitutional rights and those that protect the country from foreign attack, are worthless. Are schools, libraries, national parks, railroads, energy grids, food regulations, and drug regulations unnecessary and worthless services? Libertarians say “yes”.

Healthcare. Libertarians believe that the “only healthcare reforms that will make a real difference are those that draw on the strength of the free market”. (Official Libertarian Website, Issues).  I am starting to see a trend here, are you? By way of reform, Libertarians support a Medical Savings Account. Those without a Medical Savings Account will have a 100% tax deduction for their medical costs. Deregulation of the healthcare industry and the FDA are also part of the Libertarian reform policy.  I was somewhat surprised to learn that the above is their only answer to the current healthcare snafu our country faces.

In general, Libertarians’ approach to pretty much all issues that affect Americans is one of self-determinism, which means that the individual should be able to do whatever he/she wishes, so long as he/she is not forcibly interfering with the equal rights of others, and if a person doesn’t like the direction the government is taking, they should rise up and abolish it. (Libertarian Platform, Section 3.7 and Statement of Principles). For example, Libertarians believe that drug usage, whether medicinally or recreationally, should not be a crime.  Nor do Libertarians believe in regulating drug usage. 

This Laissez-faire attitude, if implemented, could lead to some pretty scary consequences. Any responsible American can easily envision how a person on drugs can and often does forcibly interfere with the rights of others.  Doesn’t a child have a right to grow up in a safe environment?  How safe would that environment be if the parent’s mind is regularly altered by methamphetamine or heroine?  Without drug laws, regulations and child protective services, some children would certainly be at risk under the practice of the Libertarian philosophy. How many people use methamphetamine and heroine recreationally without becoming addicted?  It is said that after one experience with heroine, may people are addicted. If Libertarians employed their “hands off” approach, how would addicted people get access to rehabilitation? Is the answer to just let them figure it out on their own? I opine that this philosophy has not been well thought out, and is clearly dangerous if it were to be implemented.

After reading the entire platform, what does “moving public policy in a libertarian direction” actually mean for Americans?  If you don’t have the means to meet your basic human needs, well that is just too bad. If you are a poor pregnant woman who can’t afford to deliver your baby in a hospital, just give birth wherever you happen to be when the contractions start – women have been doing so for ages.

Libertarians would have surely poo-poo’ed Roosevelt’s New Deal, and all of those millions of people helped by the New Deal would have certainly starved to death. Feeding and clothing thousands of young men, teaching them self-efficacy, offering them an opportunity to learn skills, and providing for the families of the young men would not have happened. These young men would not have provided valuable services to the country, such as putting out forest fires, constructing power grids, planting thousands of acres of trees, creating a ski industry in States that otherwise had no industry, and improving national parks that we enjoy today. FDR’s brilliant program that significantly helped our country recover from the Depression would not have happened if Libertarians were a party in power at the time.

In theory, the Libertarian party has some really good ideas; self-determinism, limited government, natural rights, and a free-market, are all worth striving for. However, without considering other social factors, Libertarianism would lead to chaos, perhaps anarchy, and the poorer, weaker, less intelligent American’s would lose big. How can we all have freedom, if few are allowed to bully, and take advantage of the weak, as would surely occur if contract regulations ceased and further deregulation were to occur. It seems all very Darwinian to this author. The problem is we are not animals. We are humans, hence the term "humanity", the concept of which Libertarians miss entirely.

Would Libertarians have us abolish government entirely, give up our culture, move to the mountains and grow our own food and hunt for our subsistence?  Would this be better than the government we have now, which is admittedly flawed in that governmental bureaucracy is frustratingly slow sometimes. To this author, the Libertarian party seems to support abolishing all government accept civil defense. Libertarians’ answer to social problems in the country is voluntary associations.  How they will get the funding since taxes wouldn’t pay for it. . . is anyone’s guess. Donations, I suppose.

How is this party going to get wide support? How many of us are willing to give up parks, transportation safety regulations, food and drug safety regulations, and many other affectations of government in favor of virtual anarchy?  In my view, this party will never get the support it needs to elect anyone to congress. And what would an elected Libertarian do once there, dismantle the government for which it was elected to work with?  It’s nonsensical. Libertarianism is one of those philosophies that seems very attractive prima facie with its talk of freedom, but on closer analysis, simply not pragmatically sound, nor likely to work for the majority given the size of our country.  In researching this political party’s ideology, this author is reminded of the very important responsibility each American holds.  We must educate ourselves on the parties, platforms and politicians, and apply some critical thinking skills before we vote. 

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[1]  www.lp.org/platform

Revenge. . .

I've learned that even though the fantasy or the act of exacting revenge is seductive, the only revenge that is truly sweet and satisfying whether now or later, is getting to that place of peace and intending love toward everyone. . . before he does.

What does President Obama have to do to get some love from some Americans??  Win the Nobel Peace Prize??

Movie Recommendation

Have you seen the "Secretary"?  Oh my. It is hot hot hot! Seriously psycho-sexy.  And you can watch it a few times to pick up on the nuances. If anyone watches it, please feel free to let me know your impressions. 

Self-awareness tests

My cognitive psychology professor told the class yesterday about a really cool website that offers mini psychology related tests. Not Cosmo-quality tests but shortened versions of actual professional grade tests. Of course, they don't work unless answered honestly, much like therapy. Here is the link:  discoveryhealth.queendom.com/eiq_abridged_access.html.  Enjoy your scoop of self discovery!

Joseph E. Stiglitz said. . .

(paraphrased) When I asked my parents what I should do when I grow up, they said whatever I do, I should not do it for the money but instead to use your mind for public service.  He became an economist.  

Step one of Project Change Hair Color.

Can you tell it is a dark reddish blonde?  Well I am going to add some chunky copper lowlights and carmel highlights around the face.  What do ya'all think?

I want a mommy. . .

This is an essay I wrote for my composition class. Thought I'd share it. Our assignment was to write an essay about wanting something we don't have. 

I want a Mommy

In the Pulizer Prize winner, The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields, we read about the quiet life of a woman whose mother dies in childbirth. In fact, the first chapter is from an unborn child’s perspective on her own birth and the immediate death of her mother. How surreal. How imaginative, I thought.  The child’s name is Daisy, so named by the lady who lives next-door whose favorite flower is the daisy. Daisy is partially raised by a nanny who feels so sorry for the child because she has no mother and according to this nanny, is certainly the worst thing in the world. I have a mother, technically.  Yet technically, I am not parented. If do-overs were really possible, I would really like to know what having a mother would be like. (If this were a movie - you would hear a harp and the screen would go fuzzy whilst I set up my fantasy).

I want a mommy to massage my nine-year-old calves when I have growing pains. I want a mommy to tell me to brush my six-year-old teeth and make me nutritious meals with lots of color on the plate. I want a mommy to teach me how to cook eggs sunny side up and to make it her business to know that I am in the most remedial reading group in the first grade. I want a mommy to check my homework and teach me how to study on my own and praise me for getting 100% on my spelling tests. I want a mommy to write me a note when I am sick so my teacher will believe I really was sick and did not just lie to her.  I want a mommy to wash my hair when I am sick and too weak to do it myself. I want a mommy to listen to my stories when I get home from school and read to me Dr. Suess books before she tucks me into bed. I want a mommy to lock the front door at night before she goes to bed.   I want a mommy to tell me that I am a good girl and is happy she had me.

As an adult woman, it would be nice to know what it would be like to have a mom . . .  tell me I look beautiful on my wedding day. . . and show me old Louie Jordan movies and tell me why she thought he was so handsome when she was growing up.  It would be really nice if I had a mom that could tell me what I was like as a child so I can understand myself better or to honestly answer my questions about sex, marriage, feminism, women’s health issues and parenting. I wish I had a mom to tell me I have a right to expect my man to respect me. Perhaps if I had a mom to lovingly scold me when I need it and show me a better course than the one I’m on, I can spare myself the wasted time and heartache of making mistakes only codependents make.  I long for a mom who can read my moods and offer soothing words and give the kind of hugs that only moms can give. 

How do I know this is what moms do?  I have watched other moms do their mommy-work and listened to other people’s stories about their mothers.   I would be a good mom, I think. But what if I am not?  What if I get it all wrong and don’t know it?  Who will teach me these things? Where can I find me a mom?

Maybe I should put an ad on craig’s list. “Divorced, 30-something seeking mother figure to teach all mom related lessons. Compensation: gratitude.” That just sounds a bit psycho and perhaps would attract a page-full of psycho-moms. Maybe that isn’t a good idea, after all. 

In an effort to learn the lessons I think my mother should have taught me, I read books on reclaiming and parenting the inner child. I did all the exercises, too! I think I get it. Intellectually, I mean. Books are helpful for creating a mental image of what is normal. Perhaps someday I will have the opportunity to be a mommy and a mom. And if I do it mostly right and my child grows up to be mostly happy and well adjusted, then I’d know I learned most of the lessons my mom was supposed to teach me, except I would have learned it from myself, and from emulating the good moms I know. Perhaps I was parented after all.  

Schreiner Democrats

Kerrville Democrat Party on Labor Day:

Above: Carolyn (school counselor) and me at a Kerrville Democrat BBQ.  We had a great time and met lots of caring and fun people. Kinky Friedman, who is a political celebrity around here came to speak about his candidacy for governor of Texas.  

Schreiner Democrats:

Today, 5 of us had our second interest meeting in the Lion's Den.  Jenn, me, Richard, and David had a really great discussion about how Democrats and Republicans are reacting to the current political climate.  We discussed the possibility of holding a town hall meeting on campus. We would bring in Kerrville Democrats knowledgeable about the health care debate on both sides and allow the students to hear the argument without all of the hate and mud-slinging.  My greatest desire in reviving the Schreiner Democrats is to provide an opportunity to students to get exposure to democratic philosophies and beliefs in a free thinking, no pressure environment. I would very much like to see a free-exchange of ideas occur.  I don't believe that people are justified in demonizing one party or another.  Both parties have good fundamental beliefs. However, I will say that what is on the news lately from the Republican perspective against any Democrat or democratic idea is coming from an attitude of hate and anger, which I think is misplaced. This practice is highly dangerous, I think. I would like to find a way to effectuate a more understanding and accepting attitude towards the "other". 

The Kerr County Democrats have offered resources for our events.  They are very motivated to do whatever they can to help the university keep a club going permanently. 

Next week we will prepare the formation documents and get working on our events and meetings. It is a very exciting time to get politically involved. Stay tuned!  

The First Few Weeks of School

Well, peeps, here is the Fall 2009 lineup:

Spanish II - I had spanish I about 10 years ago so I studied the material over the summer. I am so glad I did because I am able to keep up pretty well. I think the material is my favorite to study out of all of my classes this semester but definitely a challenging class. It meets at 8 am four days a week, which is also a challenge for me.  I'm so not a morning person and have been very spoiled over the last year not having classes until 9. My professora is very thorough and assigns us lots of exercises that help us learn the material better. She is an excellent teacher. 

Research Methods I - this class is all about researching in the psychology field.  Social psychology is my intended field, but this class is very useful and important. I will learn how to ethically, precisely do research and evaluate data while using critical thinking skills to determine if research done in the past is valid and why. It's really amazing how the material covered in my different classes often relate and support one another. Another fun-filled, exciting class by Dr. Biel.  He is one of my faves. But don't tell him that, k?

American and Texas Government - this class would be a real pain in my ass if it wasn't taught by Dr. Ellers, who is awesome!  I've had tons of political science classes that transferred in, but in Texas you have to take Texas government to get a degree. Full Stop. Texas is a really funked up place, in my opinion. The laws and bureaucracy is nutty and nonsensical at times.  When a particularly funny law comes up in class, I'll blog about it.

Personal Adjustment - this class speaks for itself. I will do self reflection papers (which I do anyway) and learn about how to be well adjusted and emotionally healthy, what it looks like and strategies for neurotics like me.  Ha ha. Well, so far I'm learning that I am not as messed up as I thought and most people are dealing with feelings of inadequacy, balance, moral code, and other dilemmas. I really enjoy this class. Professor Gallik, who is also my advisor, is really funny and approachable.  I enjoy her lectures the most I think. 

Advanced Composition - aaaahh. Back with my Professor Hannay.  Last semester I had her for World Literature.  She is great!  This class is going to be in the format of argument writing.  Hmmm. Where have I done that before????  This will not be my most challenging class, but a lot of work.  I think I will become a better writer. I hope to improve my ability to focus and organize my thoughts.  Being a good writer is absolutely essential in any professional career. 

Global Issues in the Cultural Context-I've already blogged about this below.  This class is about how we can take part in integrating the planet's economies, education, energy law, fair trade, and improving the quality of life for all people. I believe Obama is globally minded, thank goodness.  In today's world, we have to work with other countries to be competitive and progress. The professor, Ferguson, is wonderfully knowledgeable and experienced in understanding and presenting issues of other countries and cultures. 

Dexter

Oh, don't ya just looooove Dexter???  Netflx just informed me that season three is available. Soooo excited!!!!  In case you don't know Dex, here is a brief summary - From Wikipedia (portions): "Dexter, Orphaned at the age of three and harboring a traumatic secret, Dexter was adopted by a Miami police officer named Harry Morgan who recognized Dexter's sociopathic tendencies and taught him to channel his gruesome passion for thrill killing by giving it a constructive direction: killing people who deserve it. Most have slipped through the justice system, due to loopholes and technicalities in the law or were never apprehended.

To hide in plain sight and to erase his own crimes, Dexter works as a blood spatter analyst for the Miami Metro Police Department. Although his drive to kill is unflinching (otherwise overcome by a feeling of "emptiness") Dexter is, through extensive instruction from Harry, able to fake normal emotions and keep up his appearance as a socially-responsible human being. Dexter follows this sacred code: that most of Dexter's victims must be killers themselves; people who have killed multiple times with no remorse." 

Dexter's dark side is something I strive to understand, being driven by my need to understand others' psychology, or pathology as the case may be. And I connect with the good side of his character because I am attracted to goodness. It's brain/soul candy!  It's just dark, yummy and macabre like a chocolate cake shot at the Fetish Ball. 

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

John Keats (1795–1821).

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms!

So haggard and so woe-begone?

The squirrel’s granary is full,

And the harvest’s done.

III.

I see a lily on thy brow

With anguish moist and fever dew,

And on thy cheeks a fading rose

Fast withereth too.

IV.

I met a lady in the meads,

Full beautiful—a faery’s child,

Her hair was long, her foot was light,

And her eyes were wild.

V.

I made a garland for her head,

And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;

She look’d at me as she did love,

And made sweet moan.

VI.

I set her on my pacing steed,

And nothing else saw all day long,

For sidelong would she bend, and sing

A faery’s song.

VII.

She found me roots of relish sweet,

And honey wild, and manna dew,

And sure in language strange she said—

“I love thee true.”

VIII.

She took me to her elfin grot,

And there she wept, and sigh’d fill sore,

And there I shut her wild wild eyes

With kisses four.

IX.

And there she lulled me asleep,

And there I dream’d—Ah! woe betide!

The latest dream I ever dream’d

On the cold hill’s side.

X.

I saw pale kings and princes too,

Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;

They cried—“La Belle Dame sans Merci

Hath thee in thrall!”

XI.

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,

With horrid warning gaped wide,

And I awoke and found me here,

On the cold hill’s side.

XII.

And this is why I sojourn here,

Alone and palely loitering,

Though the sedge is wither’d from the lake,

And no birds sing.