Shall I come back??

This was me July 2012

Catching up with Shawn is currently under construction.  The new blog will be include my own reflections, observations, and deconstructions resulting from my experience in grad school.  I have taken 12 classes so far and each time I finish a class, I have a slightly different worldview and my sense of self has been altered in some way.  My changes, therefore, are occurring so quickly I barely have time to capture them properly.  I have kept written journals containing some reflections, new awarenesses, and observations over the last two years. Commencing now then are some new reflections surrounding counseling education revelations.

It feels good to be back into my blog.  I need this right now. [*g]

Losing My Religion. . .

I think it is time to admit, folks, that I do not know if there is a God. No. Evidence that support the notion of a God is not compelling. Not really. I am a deeply feeling person so I try to find the reason behind the feelings in my life where I felt blessed and watched over. I used spirituality and religion like a crutch, reducing my anxiety, creating a space in my mind where the chaos makes sense and worth enduring. But I have never had a spiritual experience that could not be explained by nature, my one wishful thinking, or coincidence.

Religion and the religious have caused just as much sorrow in this world as it has caused joy, perhaps even more. The truth, if I dare to say it, to accept it, to face it, is that I don't know, neither do you, or anyone else, and that is okay. I don't need to know, and I don't need a story, or 100 stories, to prop me up anymore. I have challenged this worldview of mine.

What I know, and what I value, is goodness. From today forward, I will seek goodness, in all of its forms, and I will respect the courage it takes in displaying goodness. We live in a pluralistic society, not a Christian one. And I embrace the goodness found in every belief, without a need to internalize the label's that go along with it. All of us know the difference between goodness and evil intentions, love and selfishness. We are divine! We don't need a book or a preacher to tell us that we should love each other, our own divine souls tell us this everyday.

Fall 2010

This fall I will be attending UCD. Financial aid awards have been accepted and the recommended classes: Counseling Theories I, Career Counseling, and Multi-culturism in Counseling I, will begin on August 23. Can't wait to show my teeth! 

I look back on my long and winding path that led me to this place with gratitude and awe! In myself, my God, and my friends and family that never never never gave up on me and always showed me support, unconditional love and where the stone was lying so I could remove it from my path. Thank you all. I wouldn't be here following my dream without you.

Graduation Part 3

This poor dude spent the entire day with me.  Divine providence or just that our last names began with a "J". We are now facebook friends and keep in touch. Very funny dude. Had me laughing when I wasn't too busy crying.
This was entire graduating class. I love that it was so small. 
Sloaner, me, Peter, and Sloan's fiance', Lynn. Moments after I graduated and walked off stage. I was feeling so overwhelmed!
Dinner at the now defunct "Pampels" on graduation evening with Chelsea, Christian, Peter, Lynn and Sloan. Karl had to work.  Peter thought the wine list was shit, and he was right so he walked over to Grape Juice and brought back two bottles for all of us to share, after we had the 1989 Chateau La Tour that he was saving for graduation. Great night!
Well, I like to start partying right away so this was pre-grad night, with Lindsey, Fred, Christian, Carolyn, Chris and Peter. The best dinner with the closest proximity to Kerrville, August Es. 

Don't want to overdose on oxytocin. . . so I said goodbye to dudes - for now.

For the next year, I will be so busy getting myself situated at my new school, law firm, the Davis family (my sister), and creating new and cultivating my old friendships that I won't have time to get involved romantically. Besides, I've converted to the idea of "friends first", and adopting that approach to dating. And doesn't it take a while to cultivate a real friendship? So I say adieu to men for the next 12 months at least. Whew! One less thing to obsess and worry about. 

A new travel plan. . .

Kami, David and I are planning a trip to Scotland, Ireland, and England for next summer (2011). I can't wait! I have been bitten by the wanderlust bug - again. It's been tooo long for me since I've been across the pond since I've given up the cushy life while going back to school. And after a year of studying and working full-time, I'm going to need the break! Now that is what I call motivation.

Graduation Day Part 2

Me walking with purpose. I know where I'm going now. I'm on my way.

Group photo that Caroline's friend took. 

May 8, 2010 - Graduation Day Part 1 of 3

Ben and me before the ceremony. Could anyone look happier than him?
Me and Fred before the ceremony.

Me and Sloan before the ceremony.

Meeting Joseph Stiglitz

Finally received the picture of me and Professor Ferguson when we went to St. Mary's University to hear the economist, writer and Columbia Professor Joseph Stiglitz speak and meet him. He wrote "Making Globalization Work" and "Freefall" and I think I saw him on Fareed Zakaria recently. What an interesting human being he is, especially for an economist. 

Darrell

I met a really hot, and way too young for me, black guy (Daddy would be so appalled!!) about two years ago here in Kerrville. I started hanging out and making out with him a lot this last semester. For several months we tried to figure out where each other stood on matters of friendship and what exactly that meant until finally I figured it out, and so as it happens, we are not on the same page. And while I still think he is a good dude, my friendship bar is too high for his tastes. So we agreed to disagree and say goodbye. . . .So what was the lesson: Even if I really respect and like a person, it doesn't mean he/she is destined to be my friend. I am sure that mixing up the hanging out and making out just confused matters even more. I think men and women can be platonic friends but once the lines are blurred, it becomes nearly impossible. As much as I try to prove that I'm capable of it, I'm really not able to have both. John Mayer is right: "Lovers, friends or nothing, we can really only be one. . ."

"The single biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has taken place." - George Bernard Shaw.

My Meditation Process

For me, mediation that begins with yoga, which is called yatan, has proven to be the most effective. The most important part of both yoga and meditation is controlled and rhythmic breathing. That is one reason why yoga and meditation are used together for stress/anxiety relief. The other reason they work together is because meditation is not intrinsically natural for us in western societies. We haven’t been taught to get still, quiet the mind, and just “be” for long periods of time. Deep deliberate breathing prepares us for this and so does a slow, less vigorous, yoga practice. The physicality of flowing yoga postures facilitate positive energy flow.  This physical rebalancing transmits health into the nervous system, thus promoting a greater capacity to meditate.  If the body is stiff with stress and the mind is jumbled with stress, meditating will be a challenge.  Yoga purges the internal and external stiffness (which is blocked energy) and opens the mind and body more fully to the present. For some people, meditation comes easily. For me it does not.  I am tempted to get up and do something. I have a hard time quieting the mind from all of my worries.  If I do yoga first, I have prepared both the body and mind. During yoga I am focusing my breath to support the movements, and so when meditation begins, I am already focusing on my breath.

Very broadly speaking, the following is the flow of yoga that is done to prepare the body for meditation: 1) a mental centering at the beginning to calm the nervous system and to collect one's attention inwards - also a time to establish holistic intentions for the overall practice. 2) warming breathing exercises and/or breath work combined with warming yoga poses (ie sun salutations). 3) continuation of yoga poses that gradually move into a final cooling stage with grounding postures like balancing poses or lying postures. 4) cooling breath exercises to prepare the body for relaxation. 5) relaxation or savasana or yoga nidra.

6) meditation practice.

In order to put this in practice, one must know how to use three kinds of breathing (sushumna). When feeling anxiety or high levels of stress, Sodhana is employed (Sandy Jolley).  This is done by alternate nostril breathing. With your right hand you pinch your nose with thumb and ring finger leaving your index and middle fingers to lightly touch the area between the eyes. Close your eyes, cover one nostril and breath in deeply through nose, cover the other nostril and breath out, repeat. This will relieve anxiety within seconds. Once you are sufficiently calm, change the breathing to Ujjayi Pranayama, appropriate for the yoga practice, and is focused and will bring a concentration of power.  To do this you make the sound of the ocean as you breath in and out through nose; your exhale is a controlled pushing from throat and this makes the sound of the ocean.  It takes some practice. This form of breathing is done during yoga and slowed down during meditation. We’ll discuss breathing appropriate for meditation in later paragraphs.

When I am experiencing anxiety over a difficult dilemma or anxiety over living out a decision I’ve made, I tell myself, “It’s time to get “Zen” with it.” The practice I use to prepare the body for meditation is a form of what the West calls 'hatha yoga', but it is actually a combination of hatha yoga, pranayama, and meditation. I use this because it is a slow, flowing, natural movement, supported by breath and ends with meditation; the combination is “yatan”. Here is an example of my yatan practice:

Sit cross legged on a yoga mat. Take several Ujjayi Pranayama breaths. On the inhale, turn chest to the right, put left hand on right knee and right hand behind you to twist, hold pose, exhale. Do this again on opposite side. Inhale, fold upper body forward, hold pose and exhale. Change position: Turn onto hands and knees, inhale, do cat pose (lift tail, curve back, look up), hold pose and exhale. Inhale, round out back, and look between legs, hold pose and exhale. Repeat. Inhale, Return to cat pose, exhale. Inhale while getting into plank pose (beginning of a push up), hold pose and exhale. Inhale, lower body to be fully on ground with forehead on the floor, rest there and exhale.  Inhale, place palms under shoulders and lift only top half of body off the floor in an ark, exhale, hold pose for two full breath. Change positions, inhale, lie on back with legs open, knees bent and bottoms of feet touching, place hands in form of triangle on belly, exhale. Take two full breaths, feel the belly rise and fall under your hands. As you inhale, pull knees to chest, squeeze, exhale and allow legs to return to comfortable lying on back pose (corpse pose), and begin meditation practice. (Or sit with pillow underneath in cross legged position). Change breathing. . .

For meditation practice, I use several elements, meditation focused breathing, a material item for my visualization, stones, chakra focused relaxation, aromatherapy, and a mantra all focused on my goal of stress relief and peace.

I am aware that much of the above may have power to influence me simply because of the placebo affect. This does not bother me because I know that meditation is an act of emotion-focused coping which uses mind, intention, and imagination. The more focused my mind and intention is in my practice, the more affect it has on me. 

Some believe that certain stones bring certain states of mind. For instance, malachite takes stress from the body; larimar brings peace; moonstone relieves anxiety and brings a gentleness with self. I recommend getting these stones and making a necklace with a soft felt-like fabric. Wear it as a loose choker. You want to be able to feel the weight and presence but not be bothered by it during meditation.  

Aromas affect mood and states of mind also. I prefer a lightly scented candle nearby. Lavender is said to calm and relax, and to soothe headaches and migraines. Bergamot is also soothing and relieves stress; basil is said to relieve depression symptoms.

During meditation, you pay close attention to how the different parts of the body are feeling. Knowing the different Chakra centers is important: The seven Chakra centers are: base of spine, genital, naval, heart, throat, brow and top of head. Each Chakra is associated with spiritual aspects of awareness. For instance, when I am angry, or feel a deep sense of hurt or betrayal, I feel it in my throat. If this is the reason for my stress, then I focus on it in meditation and focus my will to relieve that feeling. The function of the throat in terms of spirituality is healing.

The importance of a mantra, which is chanting or meaningless sounds controls breath and provides a cadence, which creates alpha waves that are beneficial to clarity of mind.  So far I haven’t found one that works for me.  I think it is because with all of the other elements, it is stimulation overload. The ocean-like sound I make while breathing during yoga and meditation provides all the noise I require.

I formulated my own meditation practice (after first doing yoga, of course).  I designed this one for reducing anxiety and getting centered before making a big decision. I also pray, and prayer is also a form of meditation. The following meditation is also most suitable for attempting to deal with emotional disturbance since anxiety and stress is what we feel when we have difficulty coping emotionally.

Sit in cross legged pose with pillow under tailbone or in corpse pose. Place a key in your palm and allow it to rest there, notice its presence. Breath for meditation is made up of three parts. First, breath in and out through nose, fill belly and empty belly, feel it rise and fall. Next, fill belly and rib cage, take a few full breaths, then fill belly, rib cage and area around heart/collarbone, eventually it will be a smooth inhale and exhale that fills all three. Once this breathing is smooth, you are in meditative breath.

The spine must be straight so energy flow is free and continuous. If you need to sit against a wall to keep posture, do so. Continue meditation focused breathing six to 10 breaths. Breathe in the scent chosen for the meditation, feel the stone against your collarbone or super-sternum notch and recall what your goal is. Be come aware of any discomfort in the body and hold and keep it in consciousness (EMDR Therapy Technique). Make sure your breathing is slow and continuous during the entire practice.

Notice the toes, wiggle them, flex them, relax them during the exhale, notice the legs, flex them, hold tension 6 seconds, relax during the exhale.  Notice the buttocks, flex, hold ten seconds, relax. Notice and feel abdomen, take a few breaths, feel the rise and fall, notice arms and hands imagine they feel very heavy. Allow them to relax. Notice chest and shoulders, lift chest on inhale, let chest fall to natural position on exhale, roll shoulders back and relax. Notice neck and head, swallow, relax muscles on exhale, remembering the throat is where I hold anxiety. Imagine body is sinking slightly into mat. Continue breathing.

Imagine placing my problems inside a safe, lock it and feel the key in your hand. You will deal with them later. You won’t forget about them. You can deal with them whenever it is time. Imagine your favorite place, imagine the smell of the place, and any other sensory stimulation that will help you remain in that place in your mind. Imagine a cloud dispersing and revealing your favorite place. Allow the mind to become clear, feel the absence of worry. When your worries come up in your mind, notice and feel the key in your hand and remind yourself that they are safe and will be dealt with when it is time. Let the worry come and go. Return to breathing. The more often I do this meditation, the faster I get still when I do it. Continue breathing. Stay there for several breaths. Continue to notice worries come and go without affecting you. This is the time to insert any affirmation that is most meaningful. I have a list I use. For example: “What I fear I will create; what I love I will create.”  The longer you experience the stillness, quieting of the mind, absence of thought, worry, fear, and the relaxing of the mind and soul, the more beneficial. The more often you can get to this place the easier it is next time, and when you need it the most, the skill is available as needed.

To bring yourself out of the meditation, wiggle your fingers and toes, rub your hands together, place your hands on your face as if you were washing your face (Namaste), and touch the stone if you are wearing one. I do a child’s pose, then lift to standing forward fold, and then end in tree pose (standing fully upright). I feel refreshed. Blow out the candle with one strong, confident breath. I can handle making my decision, accepting the consequences thereof, and any other stressor.  I’m Zen with it. 

Check this out. . .

Kim Jolley Davis, my big sister, just emailed me this picture. It was shortly after my father and mother got married with Trish, Kim and one of the twins (I can't tell which one) were in the back. 

"I'm an atheist in the morning before my first cup of coffee". - Chelsea Anderson

Good Hell!!!!

Remember that 7 lbs I lost during the first two weeks of school because I was sick? Well,  I found them. 

There is only one right way to make coffee. A french press. Full stop.

San Antonio with Kristalle and Nick

Kristalle Herda invited me to spend the day and evening with her and Nick in San Antonio last weekend.  We had so much fun!!! We took the boat ride in the river a the riverwalk in downtown San Antonio, saw the Alamo, had lunch at Chart House in a structure much like the Stratosphere in Vegas. The we had Bohanan's for dinner which is in the top 3 steakhouses in Texas. So yummy. Nick and I shared a steak that was better than kobi, not even kidding. I had a mouth-gasm. Here are some pictures of the weekend. Check out the rocks on Kristalle's hand - yep my dollbaby is getting married!  Exciting. I wanna pick out dresses, but she told me to slow the F$#@! down - there will be a long engagement - at least a year. They want to finish school first. She's so pragmatic. 

August E's

Lindsey Hollin and Matt Fawkes, transplanted Kerrvillians, wisked me off to August E's in Fredericksburg (30 minutes away). We had so much fun, and so much wine (Justin's Isosceles-unfiltered) and so much dessert. These guys know how to dine! They'd give Peter a run for his money, to be sure.  Matt ordered every desert they offer for the table: cheesecake, espresso creme brulee, creme brulee, flourless chocolate cake, and lavender ice-cream. I had escolar, caprese, and asperagus for dinner. Oh my! Escolar is amazing!!!!!! If you like fish and never tried it - try it!!!! Anyway - Lindsey & Matt rock. Matt is so smart and calm and Lindsey has a huge personality and super funny - and it was so nice of them to treat me because I was accepted to grad school - so everyone who loves me and is happy for my getting in and would love to take me to a congratulatory dinner, send your love through the universe to Matt and Lindsey. Cuz they rock!