Step one of Project Change Hair Color.

Can you tell it is a dark reddish blonde?  Well I am going to add some chunky copper lowlights and carmel highlights around the face.  What do ya'all think?

I want a mommy. . .

This is an essay I wrote for my composition class. Thought I'd share it. Our assignment was to write an essay about wanting something we don't have. 

I want a Mommy

In the Pulizer Prize winner, The Stone Diaries by Carol Shields, we read about the quiet life of a woman whose mother dies in childbirth. In fact, the first chapter is from an unborn child’s perspective on her own birth and the immediate death of her mother. How surreal. How imaginative, I thought.  The child’s name is Daisy, so named by the lady who lives next-door whose favorite flower is the daisy. Daisy is partially raised by a nanny who feels so sorry for the child because she has no mother and according to this nanny, is certainly the worst thing in the world. I have a mother, technically.  Yet technically, I am not parented. If do-overs were really possible, I would really like to know what having a mother would be like. (If this were a movie - you would hear a harp and the screen would go fuzzy whilst I set up my fantasy).

I want a mommy to massage my nine-year-old calves when I have growing pains. I want a mommy to tell me to brush my six-year-old teeth and make me nutritious meals with lots of color on the plate. I want a mommy to teach me how to cook eggs sunny side up and to make it her business to know that I am in the most remedial reading group in the first grade. I want a mommy to check my homework and teach me how to study on my own and praise me for getting 100% on my spelling tests. I want a mommy to write me a note when I am sick so my teacher will believe I really was sick and did not just lie to her.  I want a mommy to wash my hair when I am sick and too weak to do it myself. I want a mommy to listen to my stories when I get home from school and read to me Dr. Suess books before she tucks me into bed. I want a mommy to lock the front door at night before she goes to bed.   I want a mommy to tell me that I am a good girl and is happy she had me.

As an adult woman, it would be nice to know what it would be like to have a mom . . .  tell me I look beautiful on my wedding day. . . and show me old Louie Jordan movies and tell me why she thought he was so handsome when she was growing up.  It would be really nice if I had a mom that could tell me what I was like as a child so I can understand myself better or to honestly answer my questions about sex, marriage, feminism, women’s health issues and parenting. I wish I had a mom to tell me I have a right to expect my man to respect me. Perhaps if I had a mom to lovingly scold me when I need it and show me a better course than the one I’m on, I can spare myself the wasted time and heartache of making mistakes only codependents make.  I long for a mom who can read my moods and offer soothing words and give the kind of hugs that only moms can give. 

How do I know this is what moms do?  I have watched other moms do their mommy-work and listened to other people’s stories about their mothers.   I would be a good mom, I think. But what if I am not?  What if I get it all wrong and don’t know it?  Who will teach me these things? Where can I find me a mom?

Maybe I should put an ad on craig’s list. “Divorced, 30-something seeking mother figure to teach all mom related lessons. Compensation: gratitude.” That just sounds a bit psycho and perhaps would attract a page-full of psycho-moms. Maybe that isn’t a good idea, after all. 

In an effort to learn the lessons I think my mother should have taught me, I read books on reclaiming and parenting the inner child. I did all the exercises, too! I think I get it. Intellectually, I mean. Books are helpful for creating a mental image of what is normal. Perhaps someday I will have the opportunity to be a mommy and a mom. And if I do it mostly right and my child grows up to be mostly happy and well adjusted, then I’d know I learned most of the lessons my mom was supposed to teach me, except I would have learned it from myself, and from emulating the good moms I know. Perhaps I was parented after all.  

Schreiner Democrats

Kerrville Democrat Party on Labor Day:

Above: Carolyn (school counselor) and me at a Kerrville Democrat BBQ.  We had a great time and met lots of caring and fun people. Kinky Friedman, who is a political celebrity around here came to speak about his candidacy for governor of Texas.  

Schreiner Democrats:

Today, 5 of us had our second interest meeting in the Lion's Den.  Jenn, me, Richard, and David had a really great discussion about how Democrats and Republicans are reacting to the current political climate.  We discussed the possibility of holding a town hall meeting on campus. We would bring in Kerrville Democrats knowledgeable about the health care debate on both sides and allow the students to hear the argument without all of the hate and mud-slinging.  My greatest desire in reviving the Schreiner Democrats is to provide an opportunity to students to get exposure to democratic philosophies and beliefs in a free thinking, no pressure environment. I would very much like to see a free-exchange of ideas occur.  I don't believe that people are justified in demonizing one party or another.  Both parties have good fundamental beliefs. However, I will say that what is on the news lately from the Republican perspective against any Democrat or democratic idea is coming from an attitude of hate and anger, which I think is misplaced. This practice is highly dangerous, I think. I would like to find a way to effectuate a more understanding and accepting attitude towards the "other". 

The Kerr County Democrats have offered resources for our events.  They are very motivated to do whatever they can to help the university keep a club going permanently. 

Next week we will prepare the formation documents and get working on our events and meetings. It is a very exciting time to get politically involved. Stay tuned!  

The First Few Weeks of School

Well, peeps, here is the Fall 2009 lineup:

Spanish II - I had spanish I about 10 years ago so I studied the material over the summer. I am so glad I did because I am able to keep up pretty well. I think the material is my favorite to study out of all of my classes this semester but definitely a challenging class. It meets at 8 am four days a week, which is also a challenge for me.  I'm so not a morning person and have been very spoiled over the last year not having classes until 9. My professora is very thorough and assigns us lots of exercises that help us learn the material better. She is an excellent teacher. 

Research Methods I - this class is all about researching in the psychology field.  Social psychology is my intended field, but this class is very useful and important. I will learn how to ethically, precisely do research and evaluate data while using critical thinking skills to determine if research done in the past is valid and why. It's really amazing how the material covered in my different classes often relate and support one another. Another fun-filled, exciting class by Dr. Biel.  He is one of my faves. But don't tell him that, k?

American and Texas Government - this class would be a real pain in my ass if it wasn't taught by Dr. Ellers, who is awesome!  I've had tons of political science classes that transferred in, but in Texas you have to take Texas government to get a degree. Full Stop. Texas is a really funked up place, in my opinion. The laws and bureaucracy is nutty and nonsensical at times.  When a particularly funny law comes up in class, I'll blog about it.

Personal Adjustment - this class speaks for itself. I will do self reflection papers (which I do anyway) and learn about how to be well adjusted and emotionally healthy, what it looks like and strategies for neurotics like me.  Ha ha. Well, so far I'm learning that I am not as messed up as I thought and most people are dealing with feelings of inadequacy, balance, moral code, and other dilemmas. I really enjoy this class. Professor Gallik, who is also my advisor, is really funny and approachable.  I enjoy her lectures the most I think. 

Advanced Composition - aaaahh. Back with my Professor Hannay.  Last semester I had her for World Literature.  She is great!  This class is going to be in the format of argument writing.  Hmmm. Where have I done that before????  This will not be my most challenging class, but a lot of work.  I think I will become a better writer. I hope to improve my ability to focus and organize my thoughts.  Being a good writer is absolutely essential in any professional career. 

Global Issues in the Cultural Context-I've already blogged about this below.  This class is about how we can take part in integrating the planet's economies, education, energy law, fair trade, and improving the quality of life for all people. I believe Obama is globally minded, thank goodness.  In today's world, we have to work with other countries to be competitive and progress. The professor, Ferguson, is wonderfully knowledgeable and experienced in understanding and presenting issues of other countries and cultures. 

Dexter

Oh, don't ya just looooove Dexter???  Netflx just informed me that season three is available. Soooo excited!!!!  In case you don't know Dex, here is a brief summary - From Wikipedia (portions): "Dexter, Orphaned at the age of three and harboring a traumatic secret, Dexter was adopted by a Miami police officer named Harry Morgan who recognized Dexter's sociopathic tendencies and taught him to channel his gruesome passion for thrill killing by giving it a constructive direction: killing people who deserve it. Most have slipped through the justice system, due to loopholes and technicalities in the law or were never apprehended.

To hide in plain sight and to erase his own crimes, Dexter works as a blood spatter analyst for the Miami Metro Police Department. Although his drive to kill is unflinching (otherwise overcome by a feeling of "emptiness") Dexter is, through extensive instruction from Harry, able to fake normal emotions and keep up his appearance as a socially-responsible human being. Dexter follows this sacred code: that most of Dexter's victims must be killers themselves; people who have killed multiple times with no remorse." 

Dexter's dark side is something I strive to understand, being driven by my need to understand others' psychology, or pathology as the case may be. And I connect with the good side of his character because I am attracted to goodness. It's brain/soul candy!  It's just dark, yummy and macabre like a chocolate cake shot at the Fetish Ball. 

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

John Keats (1795–1821).

La Belle Dame Sans Merci

O what can ail thee, knight-at-arms!

So haggard and so woe-begone?

The squirrel’s granary is full,

And the harvest’s done.

III.

I see a lily on thy brow

With anguish moist and fever dew,

And on thy cheeks a fading rose

Fast withereth too.

IV.

I met a lady in the meads,

Full beautiful—a faery’s child,

Her hair was long, her foot was light,

And her eyes were wild.

V.

I made a garland for her head,

And bracelets too, and fragrant zone;

She look’d at me as she did love,

And made sweet moan.

VI.

I set her on my pacing steed,

And nothing else saw all day long,

For sidelong would she bend, and sing

A faery’s song.

VII.

She found me roots of relish sweet,

And honey wild, and manna dew,

And sure in language strange she said—

“I love thee true.”

VIII.

She took me to her elfin grot,

And there she wept, and sigh’d fill sore,

And there I shut her wild wild eyes

With kisses four.

IX.

And there she lulled me asleep,

And there I dream’d—Ah! woe betide!

The latest dream I ever dream’d

On the cold hill’s side.

X.

I saw pale kings and princes too,

Pale warriors, death-pale were they all;

They cried—“La Belle Dame sans Merci

Hath thee in thrall!”

XI.

I saw their starved lips in the gloam,

With horrid warning gaped wide,

And I awoke and found me here,

On the cold hill’s side.

XII.

And this is why I sojourn here,

Alone and palely loitering,

Though the sedge is wither’d from the lake,

And no birds sing.

On the second day of school, I had my dinner party in my new place.  I invited some really great people. Christian (left to right), Jenn, Fred, me, and BK, Fred's wife appeared bearing wine. Carolyn also was part of the party but went home before the chocolate souffle and this picture because her sweet husband just arrived home from a trip and she missed him.  I had soooo much fun!  Everyone commented that they had a great time, but truth be known: I had the best time of all. I just love serving my friends my favorite dishes and getting/giving lots of hugs and kisses.  We had a prayer to dedicate my new place to my growth, educational goals and that I will feel peaceful in this dwelling that is now my home.  Everyone brought a flower(s) as a representation for their good wishes for my happiness and success in school. Rituals only hold meaning to those doing the ritual, right?  Well, it was a meaningful and neat experience for me.  I am so grateful I have such good friends here after only living here a year.  I am truly blessed! Of course, I missed my friends from home and those that live elsewhere too but isn't true that we carry all that love in our hearts no matter time or space, and we are all just a phone call or email or webcam date away. 

Globalization

I am taking a class called: Global Issues in a Cultural Context. It is one of three classes required in the interdisciplinary studies portion of any degree sought at Schreiner. This is part of this universities efforts to educate its students to think critically, appreciate aesthetics, and understand the perspectives on many issues of other cultures and peoples.  I think it is a really good part of the educational process.  My professor asked us to define globalization for ourselves.  Here is my definition: The process by which all nation-states that have the means to work together to increase the quality of life for all people. Stay tuned: more on this concept as I develop my understanding and form opinions.  Isn't it an amazing thing to try on new ideas and see how they feel? I hope I never get too old or too stubborn to allow new ideas to affect my growth. 

The best thing to eat in Kerrville, Texas

It took me a year but I finally found a food item in Kerrville that is better than anywhere else I've ever been. . .It is a place called Mary's Tacos. It is about a mile from campus.  All they serve is breakfast tacos.  There is usually a line out the door till 2 in the afternoon.  They are cheap and fast and quite fabulous.  Typically, I get 6 of them every Sunday morning and share them with Jenn during the week (breakfast tacos keep well in the fridge. . . bet you did not know that).  I love the egg, cheese and spicy potato with salsa and sour cream. Soooo yummy!  

Sloan got a new job. I got a new place.

Sloan had been working at a restaurant as a cook in a nearby town called Bandera. He was working 6 days a week and lots of overtime but was not compensated for it.  His was did not treat him as a valued employee.  Eventually, Sloan had enough and quit, without first finding another job, which in the current economic climate, was pretty risky.  

Yesterday, however, he called to let me know he got a job here in Kerrville at the best restaurant in town, River's Edge Tuscan Grill as a barback/wine steward.  I'm very proud of him!  I am sure he will do well and learn a lot. 

My uncle Frank decided to move here too.  He resides with Sloan too.  I'm sure they are having a great time over there each night talking about old times.  Frank does construction work and enjoying it.  When I first moved in to my place, Frank had some free time before he started working and spent two days helping me hang pictures and put together  shelves and an entertainment center I designed out of laminated panels of wood for $43. Looks pretty good too. I am diggin my new pad and love to be at home. 

Drew: I love you, man! You are all goodness and love.

I just wanna say one thing today:

I miss my friends and family whole bunches! I hope everyone is well.